I don’t fear death anymore…
i did when i was little, always the thought of it, my dumb adolescent mind would think of suicide as a “Fuck You” at first, but the more i thought of it, the more i would reject the idea of dying, and the more i though about what it would do to the people i cared about, and how, in a few years, it wouldn’t leave this big scar on the earth, i would just be another statistic… Its a selfish persons thing.
Fast Forward a couple of years and i got into psychoactive drugs – i enjoyed the inner space, the self exploration of it all and i got into it quite heavily… not realizing i was sinking further into psychosis at the time, i was having fun. my creativity was better, everything was amazing… and i still went deeper…i started to think i could read minds in a way…
okay, it wasn’t really reading minds, more like, i could read their patterns, i could see how they would react according to their personalities, and i could know their personalities as soon as i seen any reaction. i started to map out how days would unfold with the people around me, how things would turn out in their relationships, their travels, everything. i could see everything before it would happen and i could alter it, slight changes at first, but the more i learned, the more i travelled inwards, the more i thought i understood this gift, and the more i could affect the world around me, and i started to become quite narcissistic about it. i could “program” people into wanting/respecting me, i took over peoples houses and i became the centre of reality. but i wanted more, i wanted it to expand, but i would need to go further inwards, need to increase my knowledge gained from this forgotten part of the mind, so i done more and more and i got better at it. but it was no good….i started to hate the puppets around me, i could see what they liked, wanted, i would know how selfish and ignorant they were, and i hated them all for it. so i started to sabotage their lives, while indulging in whatever i wanted at the time. i used to go out with people and just think. people would bring me stuff when i wanted it, i remember clearly one day at a barbeque, i was sitting at the table with the alpha girl on my lap, a real mean bitch she was, all the girls we knew feared her, but followed her and she could fuck like an animal, and that was the basis of our “relationship” there was no trust, no feelings, just fighting and fucking. and that suited me fine. and at this barbeque, if i wanted a drink, or someone to roll, they would just do it, and i felt like a king.
it summed up about a year of my life. i was king, there was no them, only me and my puppets.
and i still went deeper
after a while of this. i started to play with my toys until i broke them all, i couldn’t help it, the power that i had, this self indulgent attitude i had craved for me to hate them more.
i was disgusted with them, mindless sheep, not knowing how easy it was to destroy what i want and keep what i want. and i was still thinking, always thinking about them, the fucking petty little animals, and i would zone out and just watch them, i would watch them all night, partying around me, the mask that i was wearing was smiling and subverting everything, playing it out with no effort at all while my mind made plans. i loved it, i loved the control, reality was mine to do with as i saw fit and nobody could even see the real me, trapped inside my smiling mask.
But i could. eventually i noticed i couldn’t stop it playing with them, i had became so accustomed to watching, planning, thinking, i never even noticed myself trapped behind my own eyes. and all i could do was panic. i couldn’t stop myself from smiling at them, these people that i hated so much, they couldn’t see me. only the outside, i lost control of myself, and my body felt like a separate entity wrapped around me, trapped behind my own eyes i watched as i played with them, turning people against people, making people so obsessed with me they would act crazy
girls would sit outside my door, they would constantly phone me, they would tear each other apart, just to get a piece of me.
and i felt nothing, my body enjoyed this feeling while my mind tried so hard to regain control. but it was all powerful, it was invincible, it never showed pain, i would fuck and fight regardless of who and why, it would start fights just for the rush, just to fit it into some plan, to make someone seem like the bad guy, i was stabbed, i was bricked i was scarred, but it still kept smiling around me, i could feel it. i could feel the immense power engulfing me, i was trapped in the mind of this horrible machine, and the machine was absorbing me more and more. it would feed me drugs, keep me inwards and thinking, always thinking. only when we were alone i could speak, only then could i struggle against it.
and one night i done it. one night lying in my bed on some drug, i spoke to it, i screamed and beat at the walls of my mind, staring at the closed lids of my eyes, i could feel it smiling, planning, i didnt ever do that anymore, i spoke to it, and it spoke back.
it told me i was dying and the power was a test – it told me i chose which side of the glass i would be on. it told me i was tricked.
i was 22 years old when i died.
i went into ventricular fibrillation at 1am and i knew it was happening
i heard myself scream and i can remember my mother and father rushing into the room, my mother talking to me, telling me its gonna be okay, it’ll be okay baby. my dad phoned the ambulance
i could feel myself slipping into death and i was still thinking, always thinking. i was alone now, i felt nothing and i knew it, i knew what had taken me, i knew why it was happening, i knew which tiny electrical impulse in my body had made it happen.
the cosmos, reality, everything around me i knew intimately, i was exempt from the scale of it all, everything big and small, spanning eternities, infinities
i knew it all
i knew i would die
and i accepted it.
i stopped screaming, i stopped thinking, i took a breath and waited for it to come. waited for the grand nothing and i smiled.
i didn’t fear death, i knew what would happen when i died
i knew how realities are formed.
your consciousness is less than a cell. it is below a quark, it is in everything around us, everything inside us. but only we ARE them, the ones that are awake are consciousness, we are the 1s to the universes 0s
the way for the universe to know itself.
and when you die, it loses its connection to reality, the life you live, the knowledge you gained while the particle was awake becomes all you are, and all you can do is think, always thinking.
if you were creative, and had eternity to think, you could fashion a life out of memories, a life out of lives you have lived. and if your reality you create becomes real enough to you, you might trick yourself into thinking it was real. you have parents, you have memories, you lived for 22 years and you are still alive to this day.
but while you trick youself into thinking that. try thinking inwardly. try finding your consciousness inside your body, i am still trapped behind my eyes. and so are you.
crazy people do talk to themselves, they talk to the part that knows this is all nothing, they talk to the part that knows you should crave and indulge yourself in whatever you want. because through experience, when you go back to nothing and become only him, those memories fashion your own world.
i woke up in hospital with my family around me. no longer feeling trapped, but no longer feeling power. i understood it all but was too afraid to let go, too afraid to fashion my own reality from within my consciousness. what if i never knew enough? what if i ended up in nothing and all i could do was scream inside myself for eternity? that would be hell, and i wanted heaven.
i chose which side of the glass to be on, and i woke up on it. living my life at 24 now, two years on from my “breakdown”…two years from my “death”
sometimes i feel sad, i became a god for 3 minutes and then i crashed back down to the creature i am today. every day is monotonous and grey, and i am afraid. for a while after, when i was falling asleep, i would startle myself awake, feeling like i was falling outside my body. so i think dreaming is a temporary way there. but i was afraid to go there. using the old quote…i was afraid to “break on through to the other side”
so i live my life knowing what will happen when its over.
too scared to be a god, too bored without the power.
if my time comes, i will accept it. i obviously fashioned my death that way so it must be my time. and i’ll be fine.
so im not gonna kill myself, that other self will just have to wait, because that wont happen ever, i will die when i die.
i dont know why i started this really, seemed like the right time so i thought i would post it here, and i have kept it all inside for years. just felt like typing out my story really…